Mom Friends: Velyana
Spin instructor and mom to Zofi
Q: When did you know you wanted to be a mom?
A: Probably when my first niece was born! She was the most perfect, precious little girl and she made me so happy to be around.
Q: What has been the best surprise of motherhood?
A: I’ve always been dedicated to my work and growth, but the biggest surprise to me since becoming a mother is how nothing matters more than my daughter and her needs — just like the Metallica song :)
Q: What has been the biggest challenge of motherhood?
A: Trying to do work and motherhood and everything in between with equal perfection is mission impossible. Every day is a different challenge and you just have to find the best way to work it out.
Q: How has motherhood changed you?
A: I’m a completely different person now. Sometimes, I don't know where the other person went! Shortly after becoming a mom, I left my full-time job in marketing because it didn’t have any flexibility. Now, recharging means sleep and relaxing means making popcorn and watching a movie in the evening with my daughter and husband.
Q: What’s your greatest strength or source of confidence as a mom? In other words, what are you really good at? Don’t be shy!
A: As a mother, I make sure my child knows I am always here to support her and to understand her struggles. I am good at comforting her more than anyone else — that comes from my mom and granny.
Q: When mom life takes the wind out of you, what little rituals pull you together and help you reset?
A: Well, first, sending Zofi to school, and secondly, my job — being a spin instructor helps with stress and everything I might be holding in.
Q: What’s the best motherhood advice you’ve ever received, or a message you wish you had on your bathroom mirror when you were a new mom?
A: Ditch Dr. Spock, stay strong and don't forget to breathe.
Q: Tag a mom friend you admire, and tell us why. Hype it up!
Jessica Keen McCall, my best American friend, is a great mother and a strong person! She’s one of the sweetest and most caring people I know.
Mom Friends: Ashanti
Actor, professor and mom to Sparrow
Q: When did you know you wanted to be a mom?
A: I think it was after I met my husband. Up to that point, I was curious about kids and motherhood but a bit fearful, too, because of my fraught relationship with my own parents. When I met my husband, creating a healthy family life was a possibility and the idea of being a mother began to crystallize.
Q: What has been the best surprise of motherhood?
A: The biggest surprise for me has been realizing the depth of love I’m capable of having for another human.
Q: What has been the biggest challenge of motherhood?
A: I find myself envious of the bond that my husband and daughter have built — sometimes I struggle with the feeling of being left out!
Q: How has motherhood changed you?
A: Motherhood has softened me. I’ve always considered myself empathetic but now my heart feels fuller and more wide open than ever before. I’m more protective of my time
and how I spend it. I’ve become much more judicious about what I take on.
Q: What’s your greatest strength or source of confidence as a mom? In other words, what are you really good at? Don’t be shy!
A: I think about my ancestors parenting under extreme circumstances: poverty, extreme labor and lack of education. I am a product of that, and it gives me confidence in my ability to succeed. Those who came before me were single parents and displayed determination and strength.
Q: When mom life takes the wind out of you, what little rituals pull you together and help you reset?
A: I’m still figuring that out. For now, walking around my neighborhood and being bathed by the energy of the trees revives me.
Q: What’s the best motherhood advice you’ve ever received, or a message you wish you had on your bathroom mirror when you were a new mom?
A: Everything you need to be a good mother is already inside of you. Trust yourself.
Q: Tag a mom friend you admire, and tell us why. Hype it up!
A: My friend Corene Lavhan mothers with such care and love for her family, and doesn’t leave herself behind. Thank you, Corene, for encouraging me to maintain my own routines and book a hotel room every once in awhile, just to order my favorite foods and do whatever I want. She’s an all-around boss!
Q: When did you know you wanted to be a mom?
A: I think I always knew. My own mom is such a major presence and role model in my life; to be like her seemed like the worthiest of aspirations when I was growing up. I just implicitly assumed that I too would eventually become a career mom and love it, and that turned out to be the case.
Q: What has been the best surprise of motherhood?
A: The conversations! Ever since my daughter learned how to talk in sentences, there has not been a dull moment in our household. It brings me so much joy to see the world through her eyes, to watch her form her own opinions and preferences, to witness her sense of humor in action. I love our long chats. Sometimes in the middle of them I'll just marvel at how lucky I am to get to be a parent and experience this sort of connection.
Q: What has been the biggest challenge of motherhood?
A: The FOMO is real. It's hard not to think of every moment as fleeting and hard not to feel guilty about the moments I miss. But I try to maintain perspective and make the most of the time that we do spend together.
Q: How has motherhood changed you?
A: I've gotten much better at living in the moment. It's so easy to keep looking ahead to the next thing, or the thing after that. I've learned to accept that there will always be more things to do and more ways to grow, but there is also tremendous value in simply taking stock of your surroundings and appreciating what is right in front of you. One night, we were having Chinese takeout, and at the end of the meal, my fortune cookie said, "Stop searching forever, happiness is right next to you". I looked at the slip of paper and then at my daughter sitting next to me, beaming as she ate her own cookie, and I thought, this is exactly right.
Q: What's your greatest strength or source of confidence as a mom? In other words, what are you really good at? Don't be shy!
A: I've gotten really good at bedtime stories. My daughter has a very vivid imagination, so every night, after we read a few books, I narrate a new bedtime story of our own creation. We've developed a recurring cast of characters; she picks which characters she wants featured in that night's story, and I'm in charge of coming up with a plotline. The stories have become a reference point for her in her own life — she'll bring them up as she encounters related situations — which is pretty neat.
Q: When mom life takes the wind out of you, what little rituals pull you together and help you reset?
A: I wish I could say I had something really cool, but honestly, I don't. Wine, pizza, a new lip balm. These are pretty much the tricks I have up my sleeve.
Q: What's the best motherhood advice you've ever received, or a message you wish you'd had on your bathroom mirror when you were a new mom?
A: Be proud of the job you're doing. The early days of motherhood were so deeply exhausting that it was hard to maintain much perspective, but I do think it's important to remind yourself regularly that every day is an accomplishment, even if it feels like you’re Sisyphus — that is, if Sisyphus had to feed/pump every three hours, in addition to the boulder work.
Q: Tag a mom friend you admire, and tell us why. Hype it up!
A: My friend Nour is a brilliant, confident and super down-to-earth person whose approach to motherhood reflects her lovely and capable personality. She is an incredible chef with professional expertise in food and hospitality, so when she found herself raising a growing toddler in NYC, she started a food delivery business, Toddler Takeout, to provide healthful, delicious, and varied meals for kids. I really admire her for identifying a need and leveraging her skills and talents to offer a solution that will make life better for both parents and their children.
Q: When/how did you know you wanted to be a mom?
A: I had to be prompted to jump off the cliff, and sometimes I think I’m still in freefall. Even though I didn't feel a lifelong pull to being a bio-mom, per se, I did feel a huge pull toward the children around me in my community. I carried, rocked, watched and changed diapers of many, many children born prior to my own. I still want to hold every baby in the room, at the restaurant, on the plane.
Q: What has been the best surprise of motherhood?
A: For me, the easiest and most unexpected aspect of being a mom was how quickly I fell in love with each of my kids. They're both unique, alien, intoxicating, funny, vibrant. I had no idea that feeling the pull of "being in love" would be a facet of welcoming a child. It's as heady, destabilizing, enlightening and amusing as all the kinds of love I had experienced prior to their arrivals. It's a lasting spell that supports you through the more difficult passages.
Q: What has been the biggest challenge of motherhood?
A: While my two boys look so much like their father and like one another, they are nothing alike in disposition, approach, emotional landscape, what motivates them, their personal language, the way that their bodies negotiate space... it's all totally different. Acquiring their languages is both frustrating and empowering. I have stumbled and full-stop failed at times, but I have also learned enough to greet them, meet them half-way, commiserate. I hope and aspire to become more fluent with them and for them.
Q: How has motherhood changed you — e.g., the way you do your work, care for yourself and others, ask for and accept help, seek out connection, react, relax and recharge?
A: I'm quite sure I do less of all of that, but when I do, it is extremely appreciated. Having children made me realize the power of an hour, and an hour with them can be a luxury.
Q: What's your greatest strength or source of confidence as a mom? In other words, what are you really good at? Don't be shy!
A: I feel very confident about my motivation when I'm around my children. While I have certainly worried that I am not well equipped for whatever task is at hand, I have few doubts about my wish to seek out the best solution, to be an advocate and to love fiercely. It's a cliche when parents say "You'll know when you have kids" but you really will know whatever it is you need to know, and in some cases, you will know it faster, sooner and harder than you expected to. Beyond that, you are guaranteed to feel a LOT.
Q: When mom life takes the wind out of you, what little rituals pull you together and help you reset?
A: I'm a big fan of an audio book. It gussies up your mind, feeds your intellect and offers new ways of thinking. This can be the best accessory when doing some of the drearier work of parenting... driving, waiting, picking up, waiting, doubling back. I'm also a new fan of texting with my teenagers. It's the contemporary version of leaving notes in the lunch box. Last, for me, getting properly dressed each morning, even if it's my "work uniform" is major.
Q: What's the best motherhood advice you've ever received, or a message you wish you'd had on your bathroom mirror when you were a new mom?
A: When I'm tired or challenged, I ask myself whether this task or moment is a small gift or a big gift. It's a way of slowing the moment and being present, which helps when feelings of overwhelm are imminent. Also, everyone experiences each stage of parenting and childhood in different ways. I had an easy and playful time in the early years, and the tweener years have proved to be a heart-wrenching back-bend at times. My "note to self" reads: offer and accept empathy, in all directions.
Q: Tag a mom friend you admire, and tell us why. Hype it up!
A: Natasha Gaskill (mom to Aidan and Morgan) is a pastry chef and boy-wrangler who manages a wildly civilized symphony of food, fire, football, friends, reading and relationships with aplomb. In a world of confounding "shoulds" — don't allow this, do allow that — her boys seem to be the best balance of great paradoxes, largely because she sets the tone.
Q: When did you know you wanted to be a mom?
A: Even as a little girl, I always knew I wanted to be someone’s momma someday — when I played with my dolls, I was always the “mom,” and I loved babysitting and taking care of little ones.
Q: What has been the best surprise of motherhood?
A: My biggest surprise in motherhood is all the little moments of magic that I get to experience with my daughters. When they’re babies, the sweetness is more obvious. As they get older, so do I, and in the process I’ve become more structured and serious, but I still get to be in my skin for all their moments — experiencing them feel pride in something they’ve done for the first time, or shock and joy in the moment they overcome a fear. I didn’t realize that the magic just keeps coming.
Q: What has been the biggest challenge of motherhood?
A: For so long, I was so vigilant and completely worn down because I wasn’t taking any timeouts. My biggest challenge these days is being consistent in my parenting, no matter what or who tries to influence my decisions. Accepting what is out of my control and trusting my inner knowing has become key. Also, my girls are very close in age, but very different in personality. Learning their little individual personalities has been the most challenging and rewarding experience.
Q: How has motherhood changed you?
A: Motherhood has changed me in so many ways, but one way I identify with most is how soft and capable I feel as a woman since being a mother. Motherhood has really helped me live by the “and”s not the “or”s of life! I can be a good role model and be sexy and confident, I can make mistakes and show my daughters how to overcome them. Motherhood constantly shows me that it’s OK to evolve, to grow, to change, to learn, to be accountable, tolerant, patient, loving — it’s made me a forever student, and for that I am truly grateful.
Q: What's your greatest strength or source of confidence as a mom? In other words, what are you really good at?
A: I’m really good at expressing myself and allowing my daughters to do the same, whether it be through their outfit for the day, a good cry (aka tantrum) or putting on some music and dancing. We often sit and talk about our feelings and practice breathing exercises. When it comes to regulating our emotions, I do my conscious best to lead by example.
Q: When mom life takes the wind out of you, what little rituals pull you together and help you reset?
A: I always go to meditation — sometimes it’s a 5-minute stretch meditation, or a
walking and dancing meditation on the beach, or a guided meditation. Every once in a blue moon, a long, good cry in the shower while I pray. And music! A song that fits the feels is IT.
Q: What's the best motherhood advice you've ever received, or a message you wish you'd had on your bathroom mirror when you were a new mom?
A: You can only love your children as deeply as you love yourself.
Q: Tag a mom friend you admire, and tell us why. Hype it up!
A: I’d like to tag them all, but I gotta go with Kara Bosworth. Not only is she an amazing momma, she’s a solid friend, too. She’s smart, logical and loving, and I will never forget a major learning-curve moment I experienced while our daughters were playing at the park. Her daughter, Decker, asked me to hold her up on the monkey bars and I casually said “I’m not strong like daddy.” Decker, with all her wit and girl power, fired back “or strong like mommy — my mommy is strong too, sometimes stronger than my daddy.” That moment revealed one of my deep false narratives and reminded me to shift my way of thinking in order to teach my daughters how strong they are … just like me, and like all women.